Things have been quiet here recently, and it’s hard for me to explain why. Those who know me well will know that I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression. I’ve talked about it here, but I’ve only really scratched the surface of what’s been going on. Things have been difficult, and it’s affected my blogging in a number of ways.
Writing has always been a bit of a cathartic hobby for me. When I’m feeling down, or my mind is racing, or I’m struggling to come to terms with something; Writing about it has been my therapy. For important things, I usually find writing easier than talking, and it’s always been that way. For that reason, I’ve kept a number of journals over my life. When I started blogging as a teen, they became on online extension of my journals.
I started this blog for many reasons: to document our family life, to give the kids something to look back on, to give me something to focus on, to give me a writing platform, the list goes on. I’ve been writing this blog for over three years and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Recently though, I’ve been finding it quite hard. Hard to say the words I want to say, hard to find the motivation.
When I reached my lowest point, my anxiety was quite bad. I constantly told myself I wasn’t good enough, that what I was writing wasn’t good enough, that it was pointless because no one reads my blog anyway. Anxiety can be like having a devil on your shoulder whispering awful things in to your ear, and I couldn’t filter out those whispers.
On top of that, I’ve been feeling what I call “foggy”. Basically, I’ve been struggling to concentrate, and I’ve had a terrible memory over the last few months which makes focusing on something like my blog quite difficult. Honestly, on days when my anxiety was low and I felt I could blog, my brain would go blank and I’d struggle to write a coherent sentence. Posts that I have published have been lost because I’ve been too forgetful to promote them on social media. I’ve just been a rubbish blogger, really.
It’s so frustrating. Some nights when I’ve been feeling pretty low I’ve actually thought about deleting my blog and all of my social channels because I just couldn’t see the point in continuing on this way. But I can’t. I don’t want to, as much as I think I do when I’m having a bad mental health day. I’m determined to keep going, because I know this storm will pass eventually and I’ll be grateful to have this old friend by my side when it does.
Basically, what I’ve taken almost 500 words to say is that my word of the week this week is determined. I am determined that I can get myself back on track. I am determined to keep myself from throwing away a great thing. I am determined to keep going, to keep blogging even if it’s only once a week. Or once in a blue moon, whatever I can do.
But keep blogging I will, of that I am determined.