What I’m telling you today isn’t really a secret. I’m not sure I actually have any real secrets to tell. So, because I don’t have any proper secrets, I guess I’ll just tell you something that not many people know.
I’m afraid of large numbers.
Does that sound a bit strange? I think it does a bit. I always thought it made me a bit strange. Like, how could anyone possible be afraid of large numbers? Until, of course, I googled it. It’s a real thing, with a real name and everything. It’s called meganumerophobia, apparently. And I guess they wouldn’t give a phobia a name unless enough people had that phobia?
I’m not even sure when I first discovered large numbers made me feel uneasy. I do remember regularly waking to a panic attack in the middle of the night as a teenager. As well as the usual heart racing and feeling short of breath, my hands and feet would feel numb and I would panic about large numbers and large sums that I couldn’t do. Honestly, it used to terrify me. I’m not really sure if they are the cause of my fear or if my fear caused me to think about numbers during my panic attacks. I still wake up to that feeling now and then, and it still scares me.
Now, whenever I think about a number that is too long for me to grasp I start to get very anxious, my heart starts to race and I start to feel almost trapped. Sometimes I think to myself about numbers going on forever, and it makes me feel really uneasy.
Now this is probably going to out me as being totally loopy, but I guess we can’t help what we are afraid of! I’m actually afraid of lots of things, but that’s story for another day. And like I said, his isn’t really a secret, but it’s not something that often comes up in conversation. So, I guess it’s something not many people know about me!