It seems like such a long time ago that I typed my details in to the Macmillan registration form, my hands shaking and my heart thumping as I hit the enter button. From that moment onwards, I have struggled to think of much else. As is always the way, when you are anticipating something time seems to move at half the speed.
I have quite a few feelings buzzing around in my head. Most of them, I feel ashamed to say, are pretty shallow.
Mainly, I’m worried about how I’m going to look, and feel, once the hair is off. I’m not confident in the way I look at all. My skin isn’t great, I have pores the size of craters, I barely get the time to pluck my bushy eyebrows, makeup doesn’t seem to sit right on me, and I really hate my nose. All of these things I’m sure go completely unnoticed by others, I mean, why would anyone else care what size my pores are? If they are close enough to see them, they are probably too close… but once you pick up an insecurity it’s quite hard to let go again, and my face is my number one insecurity. I’m worried that once my hair is gone, all of my flaws are going to become more noticeable. To me, at least.
I’m also worried that my husband will have to see me at my worst. During the day I can cover myself in makeup and wear statement jewellery to make myself look/ feel a bit more feminine. But at night, once the make up has been wiped away, and my husband is faced with his bald wife, is he still going to find me attractive? I think I’m worried about that the most. Is that stupid?
I feel awful that all I have to complain about is my appearance. I mean, it’s so shallow of me. I’m blessed with good health, many others can’t say the same.
I don’t want this whole post to be negative. I’m absolutely chuffed to bits with the money I have raised so far, and I feel honoured to be doing this for such a great charity and cause. In the end, all of my fears and worries will be worth it because the money I’m raising could make the world of difference to someone with cancer and their family. If you would like to donate you can do so here.
Please do come and watch me shave my hair live on periscope (@blogmummylauren) at 8pm on Thursday (27th August), your support would be greatly appreciated. Apologies in advance though, I’m probably going to cry! Honestly though, I’m sure I’ll be fine, I think I’ve just caught a bad case of last minute jitters.
Wish me luck for Thursday…. EEK!