The situation I feared most when I started blogging has materialised. I have been struck down with writers block. And man, is it bad! The feeling of having nothing to write about is a bit rubbish actually, and the downtime has lead me to question some things.
I’ve been blogging for almost 6 months now, nearly half a year! I’ve been on a bit of a roll, as far as knocking out posts is concerned. I’d often wondered to myself if I would run out of things to say, but it was never a major concern. I figured, if I did lose my voice a bit, I could just take a break and come back when I was ready. In theory, that sounds awesome, but in practice it’s a little more worrying.
I’ve been feeling a bit lost for a few weeks now. Sure, I’ve posted bits and pieces, but it’s all felt a bit meh.
A few months ago, I bought myself a little notepad. Nothing fancy, pound shops finest in fact, but it serves it’s purpose well. I loved having a place where I could scribble down all my bits, ideas for posts, brainstorms and just blogging related stuff. Since I started I don’t think there’s been a time when I haven’t been working on a few posts at the one time, and my little pad was always full of thoughts and inspirations.
Then something changed, and I started to lose my way. The notes and ideas became less frequent. Anything I did write down got crossed out. I’m becoming less confident in my writing, for some reason. There are so many things I’ve thought of, but then quickly dismissed because I didn’t believe I could write it well enough. Countless amounts of posts have been sitting in my drafts ready to publish, and then I take a silly turn and delete the whole things because I don’t think it’s good enough.
This lead me to question my reasons for blogging. I started out with the idea that it would be a way for me to document our family life, for memories, as something we could all look back on. I have always enjoyed writing, it was my ambition to be a journalist as I went through college, and thought having a blog would allow me to do some writing. While I wanted the main bulk of the blog to be a ‘what we’ve been up to’ kinda thing, I liked the idea of peppering it with the odd article style post here and there. And while I did hope that people may read and enjoy what I had to say, I definitely was not expecting it.
Those first few months were bliss, I wasn’t quite aware how much stats and the like would start to take over, and I just wrote random stuff that I felt like writing about. Once you start to see viewing numbers going up, things start to change. Well, for me they did anyway! I’ve certainly started to think a lot more about what people may want to read, and it’s actually impossible to know that, really.
And I think that is what has lead me to where I am now, stuck with an empty notepad and no ideas. I’m trying to hard to write for others that I actually don’t even know what I’m supposed to be writing.
I’ve spent a lot of time reading the mumsnet ‘blog of the day’, wishing my posts were good enough to be featured, looking for some kind of pattern, trying desperately to replicate. I’ve realised now that it’s impossible to do, you can’t write like anyone other than yourself, and why would you want to? And you know what it has taken for me to come to a realisation? I found myself feeling a real jealousy, in a nasty way, towards blogs that were doing well, thinking to myself ‘What makes them so good?’, when I know the pieces have been fabulously well written. Jealousy is so awful, it really can turn you in to a monster. I don’t want to be that person, bitter and twisted about the success of others, especially when they deserve their success.
I had to step back a bit, and remind myself that I didn’t start this blog so that I could become ‘blog of the day’ or any of that nonsense. I’ve been so consumed with trying about to write something that might go ‘viral’ that I’ve missed out on doing what I set out to do in the first place,which is documenting our family life!
Brummymummyof2 did a fabulous post here which pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now. And while I know I’ll probably never get blog of the day, or have a post go viral, I’m perfectly alright with that, because in 10 years time none of that will matter, and I’ll have something we can look back on as a family, which is all I’m really wanting!